It's been a Year...

I don’t know how it’s possible, but this week is one year since I was diagnosed with Cancer.

It’s been a year since my life changed completely. It’s been a year since every part of my days became different. It’s been a year of working to survive my body trying to kill me and drugs turning me into a zombie in order to fight. It’s been a year.

Cancer is hard and life altering. I genuinely don’t know if there is a way to prepare someone about to go through treatment for what is coming. I can’t explain knowing the taste of a saline flush through your veins or how you get used to that penny like flavour. I don’t know you can properly convey that your pain tolerance gets to a point where unless you are cutting my skin open, I barely notice. There is no way to prepare for how your body will feel after a surgery and treatment. Phantom pains, loss of all feeling, stabbing, throbbing, swelling, and oh the bone pain.

There is also no way to prepare for the outpouring of love. The gifts, meals, check-ins, catch ups, and help. The way people begin to show up in life feels like the moment the grinches heart grows three sizes. In those moments where your entire world is shaking under your feet and crumbling around you, there are these hands that reach in and lift you up. You cannot experience this without a painful rock bottom.

I wish I could report I’m doing great and back to myself. Although, day by day I’m finding I am feeling a little better, I will not say I am back. Just yesterday I spent the day nauseous, vomiting, and sleeping. These episodes have landed me in the hospital in the past six months, but I’m happy to be home and feeling ok today. That’s cancer. You hope tomorrow is ok. Sometimes that’s all you can ask for. During treatment, I was a shell of a human. I could barely stay awake on the days after my injections. For better or for worse, I only remember about half of life during chemo. I can remember working for two hours, and then sleeping the rest of the day during treatment. Last week, I was able to work about six hours a day. And I felt good the rest of the day. So I’m getting better. Very slowly and unpredictable, but nevertheless getting better.

I can’t figure out exactly how I’m different. I feel like I am growing into myself. I wish Cancer wasn’t part of my journey but I didn’t get a choice. So I try to find the good in days when I can. And am accepting the shitty days that come along with the ride.

I never expected to be here a year later. I still go to the hospital every three weeks until next spring for IVs through my port. Once monthly for a shot in my stomach with one of my nurses. Which will continue for the next four plus years. Six month follow-ups with all my doctors. And I have one more surgery later this year. Life after Cancer is oddly busy with Cancer. It’s a lot and a very hard adjustment that is rarely talked about. There is such celebration in being a survivor, you may not realize the road involved in keeping you that way. Every step forward can just remind you how many steps back you actually are. I thought I would feel better by now, so the days I don’t are still so difficult. And being sick, reminds you of when you were sick. And it reminds those around you, especially your care givers, of when you were sick.

So here I am. Living life and really enjoying it. Although, I would be lying if I didn’t tell you this stage can be very difficult. I just can’t keep up like I used to, in many aspects of life, and that is hard to come to terms with. But I am so deeply loved and supported. I have days where I feel like the luckiest person in the world. My rollercoaster with Cancer is far from over. So let us cheers to the year that changed me. Let’s see where we go from here…